Don’t you hate it when ...
... you are driving along a suburban street, not a main road, but a semi-busy street nonetheless, and you come across someone who has decided to park their car in the middle of the road? And let's say this brainiac has also left their passenger door wide open. Not the door next to the verge, but the one on the side closest to the middle of the road. As you approach the car, you see its owner leisurely rummaging around in the back seat, with their bottom and hind legs sticking out into the middle of the road.
After I swerved around this cluey lady’s car, I honked my horn at her. It wasn’t one of those “I HATE YOOUUU” blaring noises that more and more people delight in these days. It was just a little beep, like someone coughing politely. A sort of, Hem-hem, I do believe you are in my seat, sir, civilised kind of beep.
She peered out at me suspiciously, and then casually returned to fossicking for something on her backseat, bum in the air.
It was then that wished I had leaned on my horn and made an “I HATE YOOUUU” noise.
In fact, if I a) were driving a Hummer, b) had no conscience and c) there were no lawful repercussions for attempted murder, I would have turned around and winged her passenger door and her ample posterior.
Here’s another. Don’t you hate it when ...
... you are driving halfway around a small roundabout, at a normal speed, right signal blinking away, when a person, who may or may not have been of a certain age, decides to go straight through the aforementioned roundabout at 70 kilometres an hour? While you are still in it?
The only reason an accident was avoided was because you slammed on your brakes. Even though you were in the middle of a roundabout. (Hmm, I do seem to be using a lot of italics today.) After passing within inches of your car, this person does not even look at you, but raises a hand in a brusque "Cheers, mate," kind of wave.
Once again, if a), b) and c) from three paragraphs ago were true, I would have just stepped on the accelerator and played roundabout chicken with Mr Magoo.
But they weren’t, so I drove on, cursing and wishing that Soylent Green was real.
(At this stage, I would like to change a) from "driving a Hummer", to driving a "Hummer Transformer". Because that would be much cooler. And then I could say, “Don’t apologise to me, apologise to my car,” as the robot loomed threateningly above the guilty person. The robot would then administer punishments appropriate to the offender’s level of contrition, ranging from a simple depantsing to a depantsing followed by being grabbed by the ankles and hurled towards the moon. Not that I've given it much thought or anything.)
Last one. Don’t you hate it when ...
... you approach a lane merge, only to find the car in front of you has fully stopped, because they have no idea how to merge into the next lane?
Such was my fate this morning as I approached the Leach Highway exit from Tonkin Highway. A lady in a red Lancer (oh, I have your number plate burned into my memory, Missy), despite having a licence bestowed upon her by the State (I assume, since she was driving a two tonne machine capable of killing someone), was frozen in the middle of a merging lane, while traffic piled up behind her. I could almost see her wringing her hands as her thoughts attempted to form some kind of decision. Do I go out now? Oh, those cars are coming along way too fast! Ooh, maybe now! Oh darn, I missed it, I'd better wait some more. Merge lanes are like Give Way signs, right?
There is a State Election looming and the radios are full of ads by political parties that tell you how they're going to give more money to health, or education, or infrastructure, or all three. Mostly they just slag off the opposition without saying anything constructive about their own policies. I was going to make some kind of rational, reasoned voting decision. But now I've decided my vote will go to the first party who puts more carriages on the morning trains, makes lane merging and giving way to other cars (who politely indicate first, of course) part of the practical driving test for learners, and gives me a Hummer that transforms into a giant depantsing robot.